wikiGong Spam Contract: All Your Spam are Belong to Us
Thank you for submitting your Spam to wikiGong, and thereby granting wikiGong ownership of the Spam, any related or derivative Work Product, any other assets, and (not to put too fine a point on it) your future, and the future of everything you hold dear. To assist you in fully understanding the life-changing folly you have committed, and to encourage your complete and utter submission, we encourage you to read and make a pathetic and yet touching attempt to understand this Contract.
Relax, and it won’t hurt so much.
By Spamming wikiGong, you agree to be bound by this Contract. You also agree that all ancestors, descendants, associates, friends, relations, employees, employers, possessions, and any other entities which wikiGong may in its sole discretion determine to have any relationship with you, shall be bound by this Contract.
This Spam Contract describes wikiGong’s ownership of all unsolicited submissions (including, but not limited to, email, wiki submissions, audio uploads, handwritten notes tied to bricks, reel-to-reel tapes, and cuneiform clay tablets) which do not directly support wikiGong’s mission and projects, and the terms of the relationship between wikiGong and parties responsible for said unsolicited submissions. (This section relies on semantics explicated in “Terminology,” below.)
“When I use a word, it means just what I choose it to mean….” (Humpty Dumpty, in Lewis Carroll’s Alice in Wonderland.)
Terms used in this Contract shall be construed as follows.
“wikiGong” means wikiGong.com, its contributors and members (i.e., anyone with a wikiGong.com email address), employees, agents, heirs, and assigns, and anyone or anything else they may designate. Said designees may include, but are not limited to, other life forms, non-carbon-based life forms, artificial intelligences, abstract concepts, and inanimate objects.
This Contract may also refer to wikiGong as e.g., “Us,” “We,” or (when addressing Spammers) “Your Lord and Master,” “They Who Must Be Obeyed,” etc.
As a noun, “Spam” means unsolicited electronic submissions made to wikiGong. While “Spam” is commonly defined as commercial, much of what wikGong receives is such gibberish that its motivation is not immediately clear; and wikiGong is under no obligation to accurately determine whether or not Spam is commercial. Thus, this Contract uses the term more broadly.
“Spam” does not refer to electronic submissions intended in good faith to support the wikiGong project, as determined by wikiGong. Nor does it refer to offers of money, food, real or counterfeit love, fealty, etc.
“Spam” does not include proposals or bids soliciting wikiGong’s use of legal jurisdictions for adjudicating this Contract; see “Jurisdiction.”
As a verb, “to Spam” means to directly or indirectly cause Spam.
A “Spammer” is an entity whose actions result in Spam.
This Contract may also refer to Spammer by terms including, but not limited to, “You,” “Him,” “Motherless Scum,” “Parthenogenetic, Single-Helix Mutoid,” “Waste of Human Protein,” “Dung Eater,” “Mother-Raper,” “Fly Speck in the Dustbin of History,” “Nutless Wonder,” “Tin-Eared Suckfish,” and “Our Bitch.” For convenience, this Contract may sometimes imply that Spammer is human, and even male. However, Spammer may or may not be male, human, carbon-based, sentient, animate, terrestrial, three-dimensional, composed of matter, concrete or abstract, conceivable by humans, existing in this or any other universe; at any time, or not in time.
This Contract’s use of terms referring to Spammer’s mother and Spammer’s relationship with or conduct toward Spammer’s mother shall not be construed as weakening this Contract, irrespective of whether Spammer actually has a mother, or belongs to any larger set (e.g. species, operating system) in which motherhood is an operative concept.
wikiGong’s description of its own relationship with or conduct toward Spammer’s mother, in this Contract or elsewhere, shall likewise not be construed as weakening this Contract.
Similarly, this Contract’s use of terms referring to reproduction, species identity, mechanics of double-helix DNA, terrestrial phylogenetics, etc. shall not be construed as weakening the Contract when the terms cannot literally apply to Spammer; nor shall absence of directly applicable terms from this contract restrain wikiGong from inventing and using terms not identified by the Contract, as appropriate to the exigencies of the individual case.
For example, if Spammer were identified as a photosynthesizing and filter-feeding asexual organism floating in the upper reaches of a giant gas planet’s atmosphere and reproducing by fission, wikiGong might refer to Spammer as “Fermented Colostomy Bag,” “Sack o’ Farts,” and “Wannabe Hindenburg.”
 Work Product
”Work Product” means any Spam, together with all other work developed in whole or in part by Spammer, or by any other entity, in connection with the Spam, e.g. an abstract forming part thereof, any subsequent errata, and any works, ideas, discoveries, inventions, patents, products, tables, figures, graphs, movies, other multimedia files, scrimshaw, whittling, plaster casts, block prints, Gantt charts, databases, software applications, and all supplemental materials or other information.
wikiGong typically regards Spammer with contempt. On a good day, this may be mixed with pity.
wikiGong does not consider Spammer to be an employee. As such, wikiGong is not required to provide benefits, including insurance, paid vacation, or sick leave, to Spammer.
wikiGong does consider Spammer to be a menace to all that is good and true, whose craven, zero-sum approach to gratifying crass, self-justified “needs” further retards the progress of civilization, if any, and corrupts language, culture, and other aspects of our shared commons.
wikiGong considers Spammer to be the enemy of all that is holy.
wikiGong considers Spammers existence as profaning all things and abstractions with which Spammer may have any relationship, including, but not limited to, anything that Spammer may touch; any words or sounds Spammer may utter; any concepts Spammer may utilize, reason over, or attempt to communicate; the air Spammer breathes; Spammer’s constituent atoms; the soil Spammer treads on (or any fluid medium or circuit through which Spammer may move); and any letters, numerals, characters, or other symbols which may identify Spammer.
wikiGong, at its sole discretion, and at any time during the Contract Term, may revise its relationship to Spammer.
For example, wikiGong may elect to take ownership of Spammer, any of Spammer’s ancestors and descendants, Spammer’s pets or livestock, etc.; or to consume them as food, use them for recreational or sexual purposes, etc.
Spammer is responsible for any insurance required by applicable state, federal, and other laws, such as disability and/or automobile insurance. Spammer further agrees to waive any right to hold wikiGong responsible for any injuries. In fact, Spammer shall encourage wikiGong to further injure Him.
 Contract Term
This Contract begins no later than wikiGong’s receipt of Spam.
At any time, and at its sole discretion, wikiGong may define the beginning date to be any earlier date, from its receipt of Spam, to the earliest conjectured beginning of this, or any other universe.
This Contract continues until the end of time.
At any time, and at its sole discretion, wikiGong may define the ending date to be after the end of time. While it is less likely, wikiGong reserves the right to define the ending date to be earlier than the end of time.
At any time, and at its sole discretion, wikiGong may define the ending date to be one of several dates, directly or indirectly described. For example, wikiGong may define the ending date to be the later of the end of time, perpetuity, and forever.
wikiGong may terminate this Contract at any time it desires, for any reason, or none at all. Don’t hold your breath.
wikiGong may likewise reinstate this Contract at any time. If wikiGong alleges that Spammer had any influence on its previous Contract termination, it may impose harsher sanction on Spammer when reinstating the Contract. wikiGong may also impose harsher sanctions for reasons including, but not limited to, “just because,” “I feel like it,” and “I don’t like Mondays.”
Spammer agrees to provide wikiGong with any requested information, property, obeisance, etc., and to complete any tasks or assignments requested by wikiGong, by the date required by wikiGong, notwithstanding that this date may precede the date of wikiGong’s request. Time travel and necessary alterations to or reinterpretations of the laws of physics shall be Spammer’s responsibility.
wikiGong may revise these deadlines at its sole discretion. wikiGong need not notify Spammer of any changes.
Should Spammer fail to meet any of wikiGong’s deadlines, wikiGong may impose additional sanctions, at its sole discretion. (Of course, wikiGong may do this in any case; but We would certainly be ashamed of not doing it in this case.)
Spammer agrees to pay wikiGong any amount of money and other goods and services wikiGong requests, on any schedule.
wikiGong may also require payment from any of Spammer’s ancestors, descendants, employers, employees, pets, etc. during the Contract Term.
Spammer agrees to enforce payment of these debts in any manner required by wikiGong.
For example, wikiGong may require Spammer’s puppy to deliver half a metric ton of gold to a designated address. If the puppy is unable to fulfill the requirement, wikiGong may require Spammer to dismember the puppy with a meat cleaver. wikiGong may revise Payment terms at any time.
Spammer understands that entering into this Contract with wikiGong means that wikiGong will possibly come into contact with and/or learn about privileged information pertaining to Spammer.
Spammer agrees to divulge any other information requested by wikiGong, including complete summaries of available information, to wikiGong, on any schedule wikiGong may require, and in any medium. For example, wikiGong may request IDs, passwords, authorizations, and other information necessary to give wikiGong access to all of Spammer’s financial assets, yesterday, inscribed on a preserved sample of Spammer’s flesh.
Spammer further agrees that wikiGong may impose any additional penalty for failure to deliver any requested information. wikiGong will determine whether Spammer has failed in this manner.
wikiGong agrees to divulge, disclose, or communicate in any manner, either directly or indirectly, any of this information to any third party, at its sole discretion. Failure to publish such information to any interested party could result in some regret on wikiGong’s part, and shall at least be an incentive to interpret the balance of this Contract more harshly.
This provision shall continue to be effective after the termination of this Agreement, if any. wikiGong may return to Spammer any records, notes, documentation and other items that were used, created, or controlled by wikiGong, in any form, and at any time, if wikiGong determines that said return will result in its amusement, or in additional insult or harm to, or humiliation of, Spammer.
 Ownership and Copyright of Spam (and Everything Else)
Spammer assigns to wikiGong all copyright in and to the Spam and Work Product, and all rights therein, including but not limited to the right to publish, republish, transmit, sell, distribute and otherwise use the Spam and Work Product, in whole or in part in electronic, print, or any other media, and in derivative works, throughout this and any other universes (e.g., as postulated by the alternate worlds interpretation of quantum mechanics), and throughout known and unknown domains which may be regarded as being outside or apart from any universe (e.g., Heaven, Purgatory, the Elysian Fields), in all languages and in all media of expression once used but later forgotten, now known, or later developed, and to license or permit others to do so, for the length of this Contract, subject to Spammer Rights.
Upon wikiGong’s request, Spammer shall sign all documents necessary to confirm or perfect the exclusive ownership of wikiGong to the Work Product. wikiGong may require these documents to be executed in any medium (e.g. written on the stretched and scraped hide of an ox, in Spammer’s blood) and in characters of any dimensions (e.g. carved in the trunk of the ash tree at the center of the universe, in letters as deep as a spear is long).
Spammer agrees that any other works created by Spammer, and any copyrights, patents in any process, procedure or article of manufacture described in the Work Product, and any other intellectual property pertaining to the Work Product, shall belong to wikiGong.
Spammer agrees that any other copyrights, patents in any process, procedure or article of manufacture, and any other intellectual property in which Spammer has an interest shall belong to wikiGong.
Spammer agrees to transfer ownership of any other property to wikiGong, at wikiGong’s request.
Spammer agrees that Spammer’s soul, if any, shall belong to wikiGong.
Spammer agrees that Spammer’s hopes and dreams, if any, shall belong to wikiGong, to be crushed at wikiGong’s sole discretion.
 Spammer Rights
Spammer shall retain the following rights:
- All proprietary rights to Work Product and all other property, other than outright ownership, copyright, patent in any process, procedure or article of manufacture described in the Work Product, trade or service mark, ownership of physical media, right to license, and anything else omitted because We just didn’t think of it at the moment. Oops! Nothing. Sorry, this clause looked more promising when we started it.
- The nonexclusive right to ask wikiGong for permission to republish Spam or excerpts therefrom in the form of electric or traditional branding irons, for use on Spammer. wikiGong shall own all rights to Spammer’s branded flesh and all derivative works.
- The nonexclusive right to ask wikiGong for permission to republish Spam or excerpts therefrom in the form appropriate to posting on stocks restraining Spammer for public humiliation and abuse, or on placard attached to chains binding Spammer for public display, whether stationary or paraded along sidewalks or streets. Spam or Spam excerpts shall be preceded by clearly legible text: “I SPAMMED WIKIGONG,” or the linguistically appropriate equivalent. wikiGong shall own all rights to this placard and any other works derived from Spammer’s punishment. These rights shall include, but are not limited to, the right to use all or part of the placard, with or without revision or modification, and any derivative works, on the wikiGong.com home page, and the right to make copies of all or part of the placard, with or without revision or modification, and any derivative works, for educational or research purposes, or for any other reasons alleged by wikiGong.
- The right to ask wikiGong for permission to post and update the Spam or excerpts therefrom on free-access e-print servers as long as files prepared and/or formatted by wikiGong or its vendors for that purpose, and including a full account of Spammer’s offenses against decency, are used. Any such posting made or updated during the Contract term shall include a link to the online description of Spammer’s moral, physical, and mental deficiencies on the wikiGong website. If Spammer wishes the wikiGong-prepared version to be used for an online posting other than on the Spammer’s website, wikiGong permission is required; if permission is granted, wikiGong will provide the prepared and/or formatted file, and use will be subject to wikiGong terms and conditions.
- The right to make, and hold copyright in, works derived from the Work Product, as long as all of the following conditions are met:
- at least one author of the derived work is an author of the Work Product;
- the derived work includes at least ten (10) percent of new material not covered by wikiGong’s rights to the Work Product;
- the derived work includes no more than fifty (50) percent of the text (including equations) of the Work Product; and
- flying monkeys simultaneously emerge from the butts of all wikiGong members and type the complete works of Shakespeare (Folger Library editions) with an error rate not exceeding three (3) percent, while tap-dancing.
- If these conditions are met, copyright in the derived work rests with the authors of that work, and wikiGong (and its successors and assigns), if sufficiently inattentive, will make no claim on that copyright. If these conditions are not met, explicit wikiGong permission must be obtained. Nothing in this Section shall prevent wikiGong (and its successors and assigns) from exercising its rights in the Work Product.
- The right to output copies of the Spam or excerpts therefrom on reasonably bulky physical media for Spammer’s use in suppository form, as long as files prepared and/or formatted by wikiGong or its vendors for that purpose, and including a full account of Spammer’s offenses against decency, are used.
- If the Work Product was prepared under a U.S. Government contract, the government shall have the rights under the copyright to the extent required by the contract; but wikiGong shall inform representatives of the press and (however regretfully) the TEA Party. All copies of part or all of the Work Product made under any of the Author Rights shall include the appropriate bibliographic citation and notice of the wikiGong copyright.
Spammer represents and warrants that the original Spam and all Work Product are original with the Spammer and do not infringe any copyright or violate any other right of any third parties, and that the Spam and Work Product will not be published elsewhere, and are not being considered for publication elsewhere in any form, except as provided herein. Spammer represents that he enters into this Contract as authorized agent for and on behalf of all authors who have the legal right to transfer copyright and that this Contract and authorization is made on behalf of the same. Spammer also represents and warrants that he has the full power to enter into this Contract and to make the grants contained herein. Spammer further represents and warrants that any errors in Spammer’s aforementioned representations and warrantees shall be the sole liability of Spammer.
Spammer agrees to indemnify and hold wikiGong harmless from all claims, losses, expenses, fees including attorney fees, costs, and judgments that may be asserted against wikiGong that result from the acts or omissions of Spammer, Spammer’s employees or employers, if any, and Spammer’s agents.
wikiGong is responsible for determining all terms, penalties and punishments. Spammer will correct any deficiencies in its fulfillment of these terms, penalties and punishments, and recommend additional sanctions whenever they can be imagined.
 Neither the Entire Nor Sole Contract
This Contract contains as much of the entire agreement of the parties as wikiGong chooses to reveal at this time. This Contract may include additional terms, which wikiGong may choose to reveal at any time.
At its sole discretion, and at any time, wikiGong may modify this Contract, and may make other promises and impose other conditions in any other, additional agreement, whether published or secret, oral or written, developed in some deliberative process or expressed extemporaneously.
You are Our Bitch. Read it and weep.
If any provision of this Agreement shall be held to be invalid or unenforceable for any reason, the remaining provisions shall continue to be valid and enforceable. If a court finds that any provision of this Agreement is invalid or unenforceable, but that by limiting such provision it would become valid and enforceable, then such provision shall be deemed to be written, construed, and enforced as so limited.
In other words, the harshest legally permissible subset of this Contract shall apply. Good luck.
This Contract is subject to and enforced under the laws of any jurisdiction selected by wikiGong.
Selection criteria may include, but are not limited to, wikiGong’s convenience, and greatest damage to spammer.
For example, wikiGong may select a temporary state declared onboard a vessel outside the territorial waters of the United States, in which Spamming is punishable by keelhauling Spammer until Spammer is dead.
Should other factors constrain wikiGong’s selection of jurisdiction, this Contract is subject to and enforced under any applicable federal laws and regulations, and falls under the jurisdiction of the county of Santa Clara, in the state of California.
 We Beseech Thee, O Lord Cthulhu, Accept Our Offering
wikiGong may invite third parties to submit proposals and bids for wikiGong’s use of their jurisdictions, in a formal request for proposal process.
wikiGong may accept unsolicited proposals and bids for use of jurisdictions.
wikiGong may select any of these jurisdictions at its sole discretion. Selection criteria may include, but are not limited to, likelihood of greatest prejudice against Spammer, most grievous judgments offered against Spammer (e.g. the possibility of offering Spammer to eldritch gods from the darkness between the stars, for complete and utter corporeal and spiritual destruction), financial or other rewards offered to wikiGong, which jurisdictional names are most easily employed in amusing rhymes, assistance with logistical issues (e.g., extradition, translation), and sheer whimsy.
 Additional Candidate Material
See also , which begins:
C. PERMITTED USES BY CONTRIBUTOR 1. Submitted Version. Wiley-Blackwell licenses back the following rights to the Contributor in the version of the Contribution as originally submitted for publication: a. After publication of the final article, the right to self-archive on the Contributor’s personal website or in the Contributor’s institution’s/employer’s institutional repository or archive. This right extends to both intranets and the Internet. The Contributor may not update the submission version or replace it with the published Contribution. The version posted must contain a legend as follows: This is the pre-peer reviewed version of the following article: FULL CITE, which has been published in final form at [Link to final article]. b. The right to transmit, print and share copies with colleagues. 2. Accepted Version. Re-use of the accepted and peer-reviewed (but not final) version of the Contribution shall be by separate agreement with WileyBlackwell. Wiley-Blackwell has agreements with certain funding agencies governing reuse of this version. The details of those relationships, and other offerings allowing open web use, are set forth at the following website: http://www.wiley.com/go/funderstatement. NIH grantees should check the box at the bottom of this document. 3. Final Published Version. Wiley-Blackwell hereby licenses back to the Contributor the following rights with respect to the final published version of the Contribution: a. Copies for colleagues. The personal right of the Contributor only to send or transmit individual copies of the final published version in any format to colleagues upon their specific request provided no fee is charged, and further-provided that there is no systematic distribution of the Contribution, e.g. posting on a listserve, website or automated delivery. b. Re-use in other publications. The right to re-use the final Contribution or parts thereof for any publication authored or edited by the Contributor (excluding journal articles) where such re-used material constitutes less than half of the total material in such publication. In such case, any modifications should be accurately noted. c. Teaching duties. The right to include the Contribution in teaching or training duties at the Contributor’s institution/place of employment including in course packs, e-reserves, presentation at professional conferences, in-house training, or distance learning. The Contribution may not be used in seminars outside of normal teaching obligations (e.g. commercial seminars). Electronic posting of the final published version in connection with teaching/training at the Contributor’s institution/place of employment is permitted subject to the implementation of reasonable access control mechanisms, such as user name and password. Posting the final published version on the open Internet is not permitted. d. Oral presentations. The right to make oral presentations based on the Contribution. 4. Article Abstracts, Figures, Tables, Data Sets, Artwork and Selected Text (up to 250 words). a. Contributors may re-use unmodified abstracts for any non-commercial purpose. For on-line uses of the abstracts, Wiley-Blackwell encourages but does not require linking back to the final published versions. b. Contributors may re-use figures, tables, data sets, artwork, and selected text up to 250 words from their Contributions, provided the following conditions are met: (i) Full and accurate credit must be given to the Contribution. (ii) Modifications to the figures, tables and data must be noted. Otherwise, no changes may be made. (iii) The reuse may not be made for direct commercial purposes, or for financial consideration to the Contributor. (iv) Nothing herein shall permit dual publication in violation of journal ethical practices.